Ella's Birth Story

I am FINALLY sitting down to write Ella's birth story. Shes 3 months old now and its taken me this long to get around to it. I really wanted to do this because i very much regret not writing Ethan's down. It was something i thought id never forget, but time is a funny thing and memories fade. Even the sweet ones. So, with that said, here is Ella's story:

My Due date with Ella was October 12th 2016. Her pregnancy was long and hard. I spent 28 weeks on bedrest with a subchorionic hematoma that caused me to bleed with any activity. Every time I saw bleeding I feared we would lose her. We made it through a car accident at 34 weeks, a fall in the shower at 36 weeks, and a bit too hard of a hit to the belly from pushing brother on the swing at 38 weeks. Carlton, Myself, our family and our sweet sweet church family prayed for her safety and health on a daily basis. She was hard fought for and truly a miracle. After finally making it to full term i was more than anxious to have her in my arms. I was due on a wednesday. A wednesday that came, and went, with no baby.

Even though Ella is our second, this was the most pregnant i had ever been. See, Ethan was induced at 39 weeks, so when 40 weeks rolled around with Ella i knew two things, 1. i couldn't definitively say that i hadn't been pregnant for years on end at this point and 2. I was destined to remain huge and pregnant forever. At my 39 week appointment i was 3cm dilated and 75% effaced. My doctor said labor could happen at any point but due to my desperate begging that she get this child out of me, she agreed to schedule an induction for Friday October 14th at 40 weeks and 2 days.

We decided to try just about anything to get this girl on her way in the meantime. I ate tons of pineapple, Spicy foods, I saw a chiropractor, I took LONG walks, Carlton and i spent some quality time together, NOTHING WORKED. I also cant promise that I didn't at one near breaking point go sit and do my bible study in my car in the parking lot of the hospital in hopes that my child would find that a convenient time to be born 😬.

After a week of trying everything with zero luck we found ourselves on Thursday evening looking forward to our induction the next day. I had really wanted to go into labor naturally this time and that is what we had all been praying for, but at this point i was so over it i didnt care lol. We packed our bags and lined up childcare for Ethan. We were supposed to be at the hospital to start induction at 6AM. Friday morning at 5:30AM i got a phone call that our induction was being bumped because they had too many patients in labor. cue ALL THE TEARS. I. was. done. I was huge and tired and anxious and i just wanted to hold my baby. My sister Jamie (and my grandmother) had come into town that day to be here for the birth. We had very much been praying Ella would arrive on Friday morning, because Jamie had to leave friday night for a job transfer to Wisconsin.

After getting the call that i was bumped i was perfectly content to sit at home and wallow in self pity, However, my mom, Jamie, and my grandmother wouldnt allow it. Thankfully the weather was incredible so we loaded Ethan up and took him to a pumpkin patch to pick out "punkins" and then to eat gelato. That Evening i had carlton take us on a super long walk. During the walk i could feel some slightly painful tightenings. I knew they were contractions, but not regular enough to time. That night when we got home i decided to see if i could get the contractions to do anything. So I decided to pump while i bounced on the birthing ball for 2 hours. I continued to have the tightenings but nothing big happened. So i went to bed.

The next morning i woke up and started to get ready. I noticed the tightenings were still there and maybe 7 minutes apart or so, but not overly painful. That morning i sent Carlton and Ethan to the fire station where they were having a demonstration for kids. I thought it would be fun for Ethan to get to sit in the fire trucks. Carlton was nervous to go and kept asking if i was in labor. I kept brushing him off saying "no, no, im sure im not. and even if i was she probably wont come til tomorrow".
I convinced him to go.

  After they left around 9:30am i used the restroom and noticed blood. I wasnt sure what to think. I knew this late in the game that "bloody show" could be normal, but because of my history with bleeding and the SCH this pregnancy i decided to call my doctor. The doctor agreed that with my history i should come in to be checked out. I called Carlton (who im sure was thrilled with me saying i was headed to the hospital 😂) and he had my mom come over to watch Ethan and was going to meet me at the hospital.

  I actually left my bags at home because i was CERTAIN they would send me back home! I drove myself (which about gave my poor grandmother a heart attack) the 5 minutes down the road to the hospital. I remember thinking in the car "these tightenings are happening a lot..." and i noticed that by the time i got to the check in desk that they were closer together. The nurse at the front desk asked me if i was in labor and i believe i stammered "oh! that would make sense but im not really sure!" at which point she and a few other nurses laughed at me 😅.

  It wasnt until i was walking down the hallway with the nurse that i really thought, "this might be labor!". They got me into a room and had me put on one of their ever so lovely gowns that open in the back 😣, and hooked me up to the monitor. Right away we saw my contractions were 2 minutes apart! Carlton arrived right about this point as did the doctor. He checked me and determined i was dilated to 4cm and the blood was likely coming from my changing cervix. Because of the contractions they decided at 10am to keep me for an hour to see if i made any progress. I believe carlton and i spent that hour praying they wouldnt send me home 😂. An hour later they checked me again and i was 5cm. At 11AM They offically admitted me and said "we're having a baby today! My response was "Good! because these contractions are starting to get uncomfortable and i might cry if you send me home!".

  FINALLY! i was in fact NOT going to be pregnant forever!! They decided to go ahead and break my water to see if my contractions would get stronger since they werent all that painful at this point. I made sure our fantastic nurse Carol had my epidural all lined up as soon as they broke my water. My birth plan was very simple and the only two things i really wanted was 1. that she be put directly on my chest and 2. that we delay cord clamping. Unfortunately when they broke my water there was meconium in it. This was slightly ironic in the fact that, even though i had tried everything else, i had SPECIFICALLY avoided using castor oil because it can cause the baby to pass meconium in utero. So they warned me that because of the meconium, if baby didnt look great they would have to cut the cord immediately.

  After breaking my water the anestisiologist came in to give me the epidural. He was FANTASTIC, and not just because he had the drugs 😂. This sweet old man stayed with us for awhile after he placed the epi to make certain that it worked exactly right and to chat football with Carlton. Knowing my history with anxiety he continued to come back to check on me to see if i had any questions or concerns. He was great, and he got on fabulously with our favorite nurse Carol. They were a hoot to watch together lol. At this point its about 12:45pm and im feeling all comfy with my epi.

At about 3:00pm they checked me again and i was still at 5cm. I was so sad because i was sure id  have been an 8 or something. Carol said Ella was stuck behind my pelvic bone and it was keeping her from coming down. They said they might need to start pitocin but Carol said "give me 30 minutes. im really good at getting these babies to move". When she came back in she had a peanut ball with her. She got me situated on my side with the peanut ball and had me hang out there for awhile, it was a gorgeous day outside and we had a beautiful balcony in our room so Carlton spent some time out there enjoying the sun. My mom came up and was keeping me company while i sat with my peanut ball. at 4:00pm they checked me again and i was 7cm! Ella finally dropped and things were moving! At this point my epidural is starting to wear off and im starting to feel some A LOT of pain. Its back labor, the same as i had with Ethan. They let me press the pump button twice to administer more of the medication, but it helps only marginally. I basically kick my mom out of the room at this point because i can tell things are starting to happen and i was no longer in my comfy epi-induced state 😁.

At 5:30pm, they check me again and i am 10cm and I was dying hurting! Its time to push! I ask if they can give me more epidural and they say no, its too late anyways. They get me propped up on my back. I start pushing and i can feel right away her head is MUCH bigger than Ethans 😂. The epidural has basically completely worn off and im feeling everything. I could feel Ella shift inside me and move further down, Right as shes crowning I can hear all the nurses saying "Shes got HAIR!"  I look at Carol and yell say "i cant do it, i cant do it!, just give me a c-section!" She grabs my face and says "you have to breathe, your having an anxiety attack, we are NOT pulling this baby out of you! you have to PUSH!" I nod and gather my strength for another push. After 12 total pushes and about 15 minutes (3 pushes more than it took with Ethan), at 5:45pm Eloise Marion Whitman was born. Her head came out and then the rest of her slipped right out without another push!

  She was limp, not crying, and a little pale so they cut her cord immediately and take her over to a bed to suction. She gets a little oxygen and pinks right up. In a direct answer to prayer, she did not aspirate any meconium. She still didnt cry, however, neither did Ethan so that seems to just be the norm for our babies. As soon as she got some color they brought her right over to me and put her on my chest. She nursed immediately and I fell in LOVE. She was gorgeous. 8lbs 12oz 19.5in long and a head FULL of dark hair, just like her daddy. Ironically She was a pound and a half bigger than Ethan, with a 90th percentile head, but i didnt tear near as badly with her as i did with him (praise the Lord😳).

I love to look back on her pregnancy and birth because you can truly see the Lords hand over the entire process. We (I) tried to control timing by scheduling an induction and He made it very clear that my timing was not his timing. In his timing i was able to have a 7 hour labor without medical induction. It was 1000X easier on my body for delivery and recovery. I was not exhausted or sleep deprived or hungry and i was able to be fully mentally present. I had prayed my whole pregnancy that i would get to truly enjoy her birth process and i very much did. Praise be to God for his wonderful provision and this incredible little girl. I cant wait to see what he does next time around. 💕💕

 our favorite nurse Carol!^^

 First bath ^^

Dad analyzing moms contractions ^^

first outfit^^

going home!

Spring has sprung

I found this and realized i wrote this a year ago, right after we found out about our Ella. Just had to share. 💕

Its been a long time since i last wrote anything on the blog. There is much to catch up on. I'll start back in December. Towards the end of December I was fully transitioned onto Prozac. Life was much better. My anxiety was in "remission" so to speak. We got to a place where It felt like coming up for air. The moment my head broke the surface and took in that sweet breath of fresh air there was a noticeable shift in my heart. Previously after Ethan was born I swore if we ever made it through the anxiety that I would never have anymore children. I couldn't put myself through that again and most of all I wanted to be healthy for my sons sake. I wasn't going to risk it. It happened almost simultaneously as the anxiety lifted. Little by little the Lord made gentle moves in my heart as he sifted through the scars of the past year. I began to think maybe. I could feel little pulls and tugs at my heart at the thought of another child. I could feel it in the subtle mentions my hopeful, yet understanding, husband would occasionally speak. I could feel it ruminate from the joy that my sweet little boy brought us. And finally by the end of December the Lord had brought my heart to a place of full healing. I longed to add another child to our family. The desire was as strong as when we decided to have our first. And so that brings us to spring....
Spring has sprung.
                    And with it,
                                    New Life...

Baby Whitman number 2 is due October 12th 2016 💝

..And if not, He is still good.

  Iv had this phrase running through my mind lately. Just a little background, the past month we have been switching my medications from lexapro to prozac.We finally got to the point where lexapro just wasnt working anymore and i didnt have another option. It has been rough to say the least. For several weeks now i have been stuck at home on the couch with debilitating nausea, body aches, hot flashes, chills, exhaustion and of course anxiety. My mom has been doing the majority of my sons care until my husband comes home from work. I am truly blessed by the support system i have but i miss being well enough to take care of my baby.

  I really loved a lot of things about my psychiatrist as a person. Unfortunately i dont think she was prepared for how sensitive i am to medication changes. Lexapro is 2-4 times stronger than all other SSRI's. Even a very small dosage change in lexapro can cause terrible withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms also depend on how high of a dose you were on and for how long. It is recommended that if you wean from lexapro that you drop by 10% of your dose per month. My psychiatrist pulled me completely off of 40mg (the highest possible dose of lexapro), that i had been on for 13 years, in 2 and a half weeks..... That is unheard of. Im not sure why she didnt know this information and frankly its amazing i didnt end up in the hospital.

  Where we are now is that she has decided to transfer my care. Psychiatrists are notoriously hard to get appointments with and new patients are typically scheduled months out. I was able to get an appointment for next wednesday with a new psychiatrist! This truly has been the Lords hand at work. This doctor is known for his skills and is the one local doctor who does gene testing to find out which medications are compatible with your body. He also did his fellowship at Duke which is one of the main hubs for OCD research. I feel very settled with this new decision to see him. He was also highly recommended by my therapist.

  SO with all that said, i have had a lot of time to (literally) lay around contemplating things. For years upon years i have asked, begged, and pleaded with the Lord to rid me of this horrible anxiety. The past few months have been probably two of the darkest months iv ever gone through and am continuing to walk through. I have clung to his word and questioned why this is something i have to go through day in and day out. I have questioned why he doesn't deliver me from this because i know  he can! It is no coincidence that my church anchor study is on 'joy through suffering' this season.

  I was reminded recently in one of my times in the Word this week about the story of shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego. Daniel 3:17 reads "If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not....be it known to you, o king that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Oh to have their kind of faith! These men literally stood on deaths door in front of that furnace and still their faith did not waver one ounce. The part of the verse that i have been focusing on is where it says "But if Not". They know full well that God could choose not to save them from the furnace, and yet, they clearly still believe that even in that case, he is still good and He is still God.

  For all the time that i have spent praying that the Lord would deliver me from this suffering, i have not spent much time thinking about if he chooses not to. I believe he has a purpose for what im going through, though i still cant see it. I believe this is refining my faith, though at times it doesnt feel like it. For whatever reason, this is something i have to walk through and if the Lord decides to deliver me from it at some point i will be forever grateful and i hope i would be able to use what im going through in a ministry in some way.  However, if not, and this is a life long struggle, then i will still praise him because he is still good. He is good because even in suffering i still have the hope of eternity no matter what happens in this lifetime.

  Daniel 3:27-29 goes on to say that the Lord does indeed rescue these men from the furnace without one strand of their hair being singed. The king falls before the Lord proclaiming his name and professing his new found belief in Christ for what he had done. He makes a decree that no one ever be allowed to say anything against the true Lord, "for there is no other god who is able to rescue in this way". I truly hope that the Lord will choose to take away this anxiety. But whether that is here in this lifetime or not until Heaven, i know He is still good.

OCD and what it looks like

I want to get a little technical and talk about the clinical definition of OCD. I think this is an important conversation, not only because i suffer from it, but because many people suffer from it and it is very misunderstood. Have you ever found yourself saying "Im a little OCD when it comes to cleaning"? Or "I am so OCD, i hate when things aren't in order"? Many people make these comments and i'm here to tell you, it doesn't offend me, because i understand what you are trying to say, however, I think its important to put out there what OCD truly is and why its misunderstood. Conversations about this need to happen more because when your going through it, you can feel utterly alone, and when you try to explain it, you sound utterly crazy.

OCD. This is, as Paul would put it, the thorn in my flesh. I was diagnosed with OCD several years ago but looking back i have always shown symptoms of it. OCD is a form of an anxiety disorder. It is by far one of the hardest, if not the hardest of the anxiety disorders to treat.  OCD stands for obsessive compulsive disorder. OCD can take on many forms and look many different ways. It would take a very long time to explain each sub-type of OCD within these four categories. There are some forms that  don't fit these categories, typically though, most peoples OCD will fall into one of these categories.

Checking

Contamination

Hoarding

Intrusive Thoughts 

Checking
Checking is the compulsion, the Obsessive fear could be the fear of harm coming to a loved one or ones self. A person with a checking compulsion may repeatedly check that their car is locked, that the fire alarm works, repeatedly checking with loved ones to make sure they are ok, repeatedly googling symptoms of illness.

Contamination 
The fear is that the person will become contaminated or infected by illness. The compulsion is typically obsessive washing, avoiding, or cleaning. Someone with this fear may feel a sudden panic at the thought of going out in germ infested public. To help lesson the panic, they may repeatedly clean their house, use far to much hand sanitizer, or avoid going to the grocery store, a public park, or anywhere with crowds of people.

Hoarding
Many people are aware of this category of OCD because of the many shows and documentaries on it. People with the Hoarding compulsion have a fear of separating from their possessions. It could be due to a sentimental attachment. Their compulsion is they will store up these possessions or collections to the point where it fills their whole house.

Intrusive Thoughts
This is where a person suffers from obsessional thoughts. These thoughts are typically repetitive, Horrific, and disturbing. For example they may have a thought of violently harming a loved one or themselves. This thought then causes so much distress that the person will develop a compulsion to help "disprove"or "Prevent" the thought.  Say for example their thought was triggered when they looked at a knife. In response to the feeling of panic the thought brings, they may put their knives out of reach and repeatedly seek re-assurance from their loved one that they are not going to harm anyone.
*Its important to note here that intrusive thoughts happen to everyone. For most people the thoughts come and go with no issue, much like a "thought train" passing through a station, its in one ear and out the other. You may not even notice it. For someone with OCD the thought captures their anxiety and becomes an obsession. The train, in essence, goes in one ear, circles around a bit, and may or may not leave out the other ear. The sort of sad irony of people who suffer this kind of OCD,  for all the anxiety they go through, they actually are proven to be one of the least likely people to act on thoughts like these.

For me, I suffer from intrusive thoughts. I also suffer from generalized anxiety disorder (GAD). Sometimes the intrusive thoughts come first and cause the anxiety, other times the anxiety comes first and causes the intrusive thoughts. My compulsions tend to fall into the checking category. I will seek re-assurance from my husband or my mom. Mostly i have the "figure it out" compulsion, as my therapist calls it. If i let my anxiety gain control i can spend literally hours online researching. For example, when Ethan was a newborn i was terrified he had developmental delays that his Doctor was not picking up. I spent days researching every type of infant developmental delay i could think of, as if by me somehow knowing all the signs id be able to identify and stop the delays. So you see, my fear was harm coming to Ethan and i did everything i could think of to prevent it.

How Its Treated

There are 3 main ways people go about treating OCD. Some (like myself) try multiple ways of treating OCD.

1. Therapy
This (in my opinion) is pivotal in treating OCD (or any other mental disorder). There are two types of therapy that benefit OCD. These therapies can be done out patient or inpatient depending on the mental state of the person.The two types are as follows:

*Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)- CBT is basically "Talk Therapy". In CBT you talk with your Therapist about your issues (real or imagined) and the aim is that they would be able to help you identify and change unhelpful thinking or behavior regarding your problems. I happen to think all of America could use some CBT.

*Exposure Response Prevention Therapy (ERP)- ERP is a very specific type of therapy used to treat OCD. The Exposure part of ERP is where you force yourself to confront the images, thoughts, objects, and situations that make you anxious thereby triggering the anxiety. The Response Prevention part is where at one point you would have done a compulsion to alleviate the anxiety but instead you actively choose not to do the compulsive behavior once the anxiety has been triggered. Example: If i am afraid of heights then the way to conquer that fear is by standing on a balcony. If you trigger the fear enough, eventually your body will essentially become "bored" of that fear. you will get to a point where you can stand on the balcony and your body wont respond in fear.

2. Medication
This one is pretty simple to explain. There are medications that can help OCD. The main class of medication used are selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, more commonly known as SSRI's. SSRI's are a type of anti-depressant. Anti-depressants have been proven to not only help depression but also help with anxiety disorders like OCD. Medication can be a really good option for people with severe anxiety. There are actual anti-anxiety medications called benzodiazepines that are used as needed for anxiety disorders. OCD is different because it requires levels of serotonin to be kept at a constant level. OCD also typically requires very high doses of SSRI's and even still, 30% of people with OCD will not respond to medication. In this case the person with OCD would be considered treatment resistant. People with treatment resistant OCD do have a couple other options, but they are much more invasive i.e. brain surgery, deep brain stimulation and gamma knife.

3. Natural Remedies
Some people might not consider this a treatment option, but, i do. There are multiple ways you can go about this. Homeopathic doctors can be a great resource with supplements and remedies that can help alleviate symptoms. Acupuncture, therapeutic massage, and chiropractics have all also been known to help with anxiety.

Personally, I use all 3 of these methods. I have an amazing therapist, i take an SSRI, and i also see a homeopathic doctor. OCD is a life long struggle. There are ways to manage it though so you never give up hope. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I hope this gives you a little more information than maybe you previously knew about OCD.

The first post

I guess this is the obligatory first "official" post. Bare with me as i am not a blogger. I dont write and im pretty awful at spelling and grammar but i wanted to start this blog for myself. I wanted a place i can write my thoughts out and document memories. My name is Jenna and i am a 20 something year woman. I am wife to Carlton, who is completely amazing. I am mommy to 1 year old Ethan, who is also completely amazing. I am first and foremost a believer of Christ. The name of my blog is Anchored and i want to explain why. When i was 10 years old i was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. It plagued my every day for years. I was terrified to be away from my parents. I didnt go to sleep overs or field trips. I couldnt step foot in an amusement park, travel for extended periods in a car, or veer away from my normal schedule without triggering a panic attack.  I was tried on multiple different medications. Some made no difference, some made things worse with bad side effects, one put me in the hospital, and some would work for a bit only to "Poop out" (yes that is actually the medical term for SSRI's that stop working) later on. It wasnt until i was 14 that we finally found a medication combination that worked well for me. Lexapro augmented with welbutrin (combined with therapy) is what i have been on for the past 13 years. It worked wonderfully for me right up until i got pregnant.
  Something about pregnancy completely turns your hormones upside down. As far as pregnancy goes i had a relatively easy pregnancy with the exception of gestational diabetes towards the end. I never even had morning sickness. For me, it was the hardest thing iv ever done. Day in and day out i was tormented by anxiety. I was diagnosed with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I spent all day everyday researching online all about preterm labor, incompetent cervix, umbilical cord accidents, stillbirths. I was completely and utterly terrified that we would lose our baby. In part i believe the fears were triggered by the miscarriage we had a month before we conceived our son. I was on my medications for my entire pregnancy and my doctor even increased them after Ethan was born. If i thought my anxiety was bad during my pregnancy, somehow it got even worse afterwards. The post-partum anxiety was really really awful. For those who dont know, Anxiety is exacerbated by lack of sleep and changing hormones and breastfeeding can dramatically affect your hormones. I had a difficult time bonding with my son right away even though i had spent his whole pregnancy praying for this little life (he is unashamedly one of my best friends now). I got so lost in the anxiety that it just made it hard. We are blessed to have an incredible support system with grandparents who are local and willing to help.
   I weaned Ethan at 4 months to help with the hormonal aspects of anxiety. It did help for awhile. Around his first birthday this past september i was hit with another bad bought of anxiety. At this point we are switching my medications from Lexapro to prozac to see if it will offer any relief. Through all of this, my one constant and my stronghold has been the Lord. He offers peace and hope on even the darkest days. He is an anchor in an ever changing storm. One of my favorite verses to lean on is Philipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.". I cling to this verse on hard days. It is relieving to know that i can lay my troubles at His feet and trust him to bare the weight of my struggles. My hope, it's not easily swayed because I have anchored myself in Christ, the very Hope of the world. That is why iv called this blog Anchored.