Iv had this phrase running through my mind lately. Just a little background, the past month we have been switching my medications from lexapro to prozac.We finally got to the point where lexapro just wasnt working anymore and i didnt have another option. It has been rough to say the least. For several weeks now i have been stuck at home on the couch with debilitating nausea, body aches, hot flashes, chills, exhaustion and of course anxiety. My mom has been doing the majority of my sons care until my husband comes home from work. I am truly blessed by the support system i have but i miss being well enough to take care of my baby.
I really loved a lot of things about my psychiatrist as a person. Unfortunately i dont think she was prepared for how sensitive i am to medication changes. Lexapro is 2-4 times stronger than all other SSRI's. Even a very small dosage change in lexapro can cause terrible withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms also depend on how high of a dose you were on and for how long. It is recommended that if you wean from lexapro that you drop by 10% of your dose per month. My psychiatrist pulled me completely off of 40mg (the highest possible dose of lexapro), that i had been on for 13 years, in 2 and a half weeks..... That is unheard of. Im not sure why she didnt know this information and frankly its amazing i didnt end up in the hospital.
Where we are now is that she has decided to transfer my care. Psychiatrists are notoriously hard to get appointments with and new patients are typically scheduled months out. I was able to get an appointment for next wednesday with a new psychiatrist! This truly has been the Lords hand at work. This doctor is known for his skills and is the one local doctor who does gene testing to find out which medications are compatible with your body. He also did his fellowship at Duke which is one of the main hubs for OCD research. I feel very settled with this new decision to see him. He was also highly recommended by my therapist.
SO with all that said, i have had a lot of time to (literally) lay around contemplating things. For years upon years i have asked, begged, and pleaded with the Lord to rid me of this horrible anxiety. The past few months have been probably two of the darkest months iv ever gone through and am continuing to walk through. I have clung to his word and questioned why this is something i have to go through day in and day out. I have questioned why he doesn't deliver me from this because i know he can! It is no coincidence that my church anchor study is on 'joy through suffering' this season.
I was reminded recently in one of my times in the Word this week about the story of shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego. Daniel 3:17 reads "If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not....be it known to you, o king that we will not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Oh to have their kind of faith! These men literally stood on deaths door in front of that furnace and still their faith did not waver one ounce. The part of the verse that i have been focusing on is where it says "But if Not". They know full well that God could choose not to save them from the furnace, and yet, they clearly still believe that even in that case, he is still good and He is still God.
For all the time that i have spent praying that the Lord would deliver me from this suffering, i have not spent much time thinking about if he chooses not to. I believe he has a purpose for what im going through, though i still cant see it. I believe this is refining my faith, though at times it doesnt feel like it. For whatever reason, this is something i have to walk through and if the Lord decides to deliver me from it at some point i will be forever grateful and i hope i would be able to use what im going through in a ministry in some way. However, if not, and this is a life long struggle, then i will still praise him because he is still good. He is good because even in suffering i still have the hope of eternity no matter what happens in this lifetime.
Daniel 3:27-29 goes on to say that the Lord does indeed rescue these men from the furnace without one strand of their hair being singed. The king falls before the Lord proclaiming his name and professing his new found belief in Christ for what he had done. He makes a decree that no one ever be allowed to say anything against the true Lord, "for there is no other god who is able to rescue in this way". I truly hope that the Lord will choose to take away this anxiety. But whether that is here in this lifetime or not until Heaven, i know He is still good.
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